Learning What Love Is Not: A Survivor’s Story
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“I spent much of my life learning what love looked like through fear. It took me decades to learn that fear and love are not the same thing.”
Where it started
When I married at 24, I did not know what a healthy marriage looked like.
I was adopted as an infant, and my parents divorced before I turned five. Some of my earliest memories are of fear and conflict: lying in bed, hearing terrible arguments, and calling out that I was scared in the hope it would make them stop. I saw things no child should see. I didn’t realize it then, but those years shaped how I understood relationships, and that understanding followed me into adulthood.
No warning signs
When I met my future husband, there were no obvious red flags. We dated for two years. He was thoughtful, attentive, and kind. He sent flowers to my office and never raised his voice. I met his family and believed I was building a life with someone who loved and respected me.
About six months after our wedding, something changed.
One evening, he exploded in anger over something small. I was stunned. It seemed so out of character that I convinced myself it was a one-time thing. Then it happened again. And again. The outbursts went from monthly to weekly, and then from weekly to daily.
A double life
The criticism became relentless. Nothing I did was right. He called me degrading names and said things that slowly wore away my confidence and self-worth. Whenever I talked about leaving, he told me no one else would ever want me. Looking back, I believe those words were meant to make me doubt myself and keep me from going.
Meanwhile, I was building a successful career. On the days that mattered most, like big presentations, important meetings, and milestones, he would often stir up chaos and conflict. I became an expert at hiding it. Friends, family, and coworkers believed I had a happy marriage. In truth, I was living a double life.
I carried that secret for more than twenty years.
Over time, the verbal and emotional abuse escalated into physical intimidation. I covered up evidence and made excuses for behavior that never should have been excused. I told myself marriage was a commitment, and that I just needed to try harder, forgive more, or be stronger.
The night everything changed
Then came the moment that changed everything: one night, he threatened my life.
From that day on, something inside me shifted, and I could no longer ignore the fear. We tried counseling, but I could not move past what had happened. Others minimized it. For me, it was very real.
Love should never require living in fear.
Leaving was not easy. Healing wasn’t either.
What love is not
I had to learn something many people learn much earlier in life: love is not control, criticism, intimidation, or fear. Love does not ask you to shrink yourself to keep someone else comfortable. Love does not leave you feeling unsafe in your own home.
I had to rediscover who I was beneath years of being told I wasn’t enough. I had to learn to trust myself again. Most of all, I had to learn that I am worthy of respect, kindness, and peace.
Today, I’m passionate about helping other women recognize the signs of abuse and know they are not alone. If my story helps even one woman realize she deserves better, then every hard step of my journey has meaning.
If this sounds familiar
To anyone living with abuse, fear, or constant belittling: what you’re experiencing is real. You don’t have to wait until things get worse to ask for help. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be valued. And you deserve a life where you wake up each day without fear.
There is hope beyond survival. Healing, strength, and freedom are waiting on the other side.
— Sharon
Warning signs in Sharon’s story
A sudden change in behavior after a commitment, like marriage or moving in together
Outbursts that grow more frequent over time
Constant criticism, name-calling, and put-downs
“No one else will ever want you,” said to keep you from leaving
Sabotaging your work, especially on important days
Intimidation or threats to your safety
Free, confidential help, available 24/7
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Text: Send START to 88788
Deaf or hard of hearing (videophone): 1-855-812-1001
In immediate danger: Call 911
Chat online at thehotline.org
Sharon’s story is shared in her own words. This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. For guidance specific to your circumstances, please consult a licensed attorney.
