Leaving Takes a Plan: Why the Exit Is the Most Dangerous Time
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you think someone may be monitoring your devices, consider reading this from a friend's phone or a library computer, and clearing your browser history afterward.
"Why doesn't she just leave?" It's one of the most common questions people ask about domestic violence, and one of the most misunderstood. Leaving is not a single moment. It's a process, and for many survivors it's the most dangerous part of the relationship.
Why leaving can increase the danger
When an abusive partner senses they are losing control, some escalate. Research on intimate partner homicide has found again and again that separation, especially from a highly controlling partner, is linked to a sharp rise in risk. The danger doesn't end on moving day. It can continue for months while custody, property, and contact are worked out.
In a landmark multi-city study led by Johns Hopkins researcher Jacquelyn Campbell, women who separated from a highly controlling partner after living together faced nearly nine times the risk of being killed. An abuser's access to a gun was one of the strongest predictors of homicide, and prior threats with a weapon roughly quadrupled the risk. A separate study found that women who had been strangled by a partner were more than seven times as likely to later be killed by that partner.
Leaving is not a single moment. It's a process, and it deserves a plan.
Red flags that call for extra caution
Choking or strangulation, even once
The abuser has access to a gun
Threats to kill you, your children, or themselves
Threats with a weapon
Abuse that is happening more often or getting more severe
Extreme jealousy, stalking, or constant monitoring
Recent separation, or the abuser learning you plan to leave
If any of these apply to you, tell an advocate. Many advocates use a tool called the Danger Assessment, developed by Dr. Campbell, to help survivors understand their level of risk and plan around it.
Building a safety plan
A safety plan is a personal plan for staying as safe as possible while you're still in the relationship, while you're leaving, and afterward. Advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you build one for free, any time of day.
Choose your timing. If you can, plan to leave when your partner is away, and don't announce your plans ahead of time.
Pack a go-bag. Keep essentials with a trusted friend or at work: cash, keys, medications, a phone charger, and a change of clothes.
Gather documents. Keep copies or photos of IDs, birth certificates, Social Security cards, insurance cards, your lease, and any protective orders somewhere your partner can't reach.
Pick a code word. Agree on a word or text that tells friends, family, or coworkers to call for help.
Know where you'll go. Identify a shelter, friend, or family member, and the safest route to get there.
Protect your tech. When it's safe to do so, turn off location sharing, check for trackers, and change passwords from a device your partner can't access.
Plan for children and pets. Think through school pickups, custody questions, and where your pets can stay. Some shelters accept pets.
Ask about a protective order. A protective order sets legal limits on contact. An advocate or attorney can explain your options and how the process works in your state.
After you leave
Keep a copy of your protective order with you at all times
Change your routines and vary your routes to work, school, and the store
Let your employer, building security, or your children's school know who is not allowed to pick up or contact you
Save every message, voicemail, and missed call, and write down any violations with dates and times
Keep checking in with an advocate. Safety plans should change as your situation changes
Leaving takes courage, and it also takes preparation. You deserve both the freedom to go and the support to do it safely.
Free, confidential help, available 24/7
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Text: Send START to 88788
Deaf or hard of hearing (videophone): 1-855-812-1001
In immediate danger: Call 911
Chat online at thehotline.org
This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Laws vary by state and every situation is different. For guidance specific to your circumstances, please consult a licensed attorney.
